Carlisle's Diary
by Ashabagawa
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin; the innermost thoughts and feelings of the Dr Man himself. What goes on in that hugely massive and gigantic watermelon of a brain of his? WARNING: May cause suffocation if read in an airtight container.
1. Friday 12th July 2010

Carlisle's Diary

_Friday 12__th__ July – _

_The Cullen Mansion in the Early Hours of the Morning_

7:20 am – Oh bloody hell. I have absolutely no socks. I've checked like, fifty times and they're all odd. I think Esme does this deliberately to wind me up.

7:22 am – I have found two black ones that, although they have slightly different patterns, look like they are roughly the same size.

7:23 am  - I have covered the socks up with shoes. No one will ever know.

_Forks Town Hospital_

8:10 am – I have said hello to Viki, the receptionist on front desk, although I doubt she heard me; she was asleep.

8:26 am – Lance is now briefing me on the operation I'm about to perform. Lance is boring.

8:27 am – If you really stop and stare at it, you can see that Lance has a really weird nose. It like, fans out in two directions and it twitches when he speaks.

8:29 am – I don't like Lance.

8:30 am – I have just realised I have not listened to a word Lance has said.

8:40 am – It turns out I've got to remove something from an old lady called Ms. Fronsilthwaite.

8:43 am – So far so good.

8:44 am – There's a weird looking, purple thing hanging out. I don't know what it is. It can't be that important, can it?

8:45 am – Shit.

8:57 am – It turns out that thing was her spleen. It didn't look like a spleen; it was all shrivelled up and purple. Fiona has taken over the operation and is trying to stuff it back in.

10:45 am – I have just spent almost two hours in the surgery, exchanging foot infection advice.

10:57 am – I have just been shown the vilest boil on the hairiest backside imaginable. I never knew Jessica Stanley had such luxuriant backside hair. She should win trophies.

12:02 pm – Lunchtime! Of course, I don't actually eat anything – that would be weird. Instead, I like to sit on the kerb outside the hospital and count all the people that park in the disabled spot and then pretend to limp or drag themselves across the pavement. It's amusing.

12:57 pm – Severe lack of swindlers today. Maybe no one is ill.

12:58 pm – If no one is ill, I will get no money. That would be bad.

12:59 pm – How am I going to pay for that new leg waxing session?

1:05 pm – Gah! Just returned to office to find Herbert Spanger in the waiting room. He is quite possibly the vilest man to walk the Earth. I hope he's booked in to see Lisa.

1:07 pm – Oh please God, no!

1:09 pm – Thank goodness it's only a check up; I don't have to prod anything.

1:10pm – Here he is...

1:14 pm – He thinks I'm writing notes when really I'm just drawing breasts in the margin.

1:15 pm – Har har! I am so clever and cool.

1:23 pm – I wonder if he'll notice if I go on Facebook...

1:24 pm – Charlie Swan added me as a friend.

1:32 pm – This man can talk.

1:34 pm – Time up, Mr Spanger. Now get the hell out of my office! Actually, I didn't say that. I just sort of ushered him out. There was nothing wrong with him, anyway. I think he just makes these appointments in order to talk to other human beings. He's a bit weird to be honest; Alice once swore she saw him making a tractor out of the grass in his front garden. What. A. Guy.

3:45 pm – I have to go to a meeting now. Joy.

4:57 pm  - Lalalalalalalalalalala

5:29 pm  - Hometime. Whoop whoop!

_The Cullen Mansion_

6:01 pm – I was just greeted in the hallway by a discarded, dirty nappy lying on the hall floor. This was quite disturbing considering Renesme now has the appearance of an eleven year old. I'll ask Esme if she knows from whence it may have come.

6:06 pm – Found Jasper and Edward playing on the dance mat in the living room. Conversation went as follows:

Me: Has anyone seen Esme?

Jasper: (panting slightly after strenuous dancing activity) Yeah. She ran through here earlier, with blood dripping from a gash in her arm. She was screaming at the time. Not seen her since.

Me: (having a minor seizure) Did you not think to go and ask her if she was ok?

Edward: Nah...she'll be ok. Besides, this game is awesome! (kicks a little too enthusiastically and ends up sprawled on the parquet floor.)

Me: I'll go and find her, shall I?

Jasper: ..................

Edward: ..................

I'm so proud of my sons.

6:08 pm – Esme was in the kitchen, making dinner for Renesme and Jake. A large bandage was wrapped around her forearm.

"What happened?" I asked, nodding towards her injury.

"Oh...nothing." She replied. "I just...erm...fell sideways...onto...erm...a dog."

"You fell sideways onto a dog?"

"Yep."

"A dog gave you a gash in the arm?"

"It was carrying a samurai sword."

"Right." I paused, digesting the information. "We don't have a dog..."

"No."

"Where did the dog come from?"

"It belongs to Doctor Rick."

"Who in the name of all things cute, furry and possibly bulimic is Doctor -"

"I'm Doctor Rick..." Came a voice from the doorway of the kitchen. A male vampire was standing in the doorway. He was incredibly handsome; the sort of handsome that makes you want to vomit. His dark hair was slicked back with enough oil to interest George Bush and his gleaming white teeth could have blinded a bat, even though bats are already blind – they were that shiny. The man stepped further into the room. "I'll be your associate doctor here in Forks."


	2. Saturday 13th July 2010

Carlisle's Diary

_Saturday 13__th__ July_

_The Cullen Mansion in the Extreme Hours of the Morning_

2:07 am - I'm staring at Renesme as she sleeps in my chair. I have told her specifically that the chair with the perpendicular angle towards the telly is mine. This is because, if positioned exactly at the right angle, the screen goes all gooey and you can kid yourself that you're in some sort of time warp. This and the fact that I've got a rather steamy romance novel hidden behind the cushion and I'm worried that her young mind might find a few of the more explicit similes disturbing. That and she might tell Esme.

If I'm careful, I might be able to get her to shift without waking her up.

2:08 am – That's it, Nessie...dream on...I don't suppose you could move your arm, could you?

2:09 am – Maybe a lullaby would help...

2:11 am – I don't know any lullabies...

2:12 am – Is _Sex on Fire _a lullaby?

2:14 am – AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! SHE'S AWAKE!!!

2:21 am – Well that was embarrassing. She woke up, just as I got to the chorus, poised to snatch the book from under the cushion her arm was resting on. She screamed, unsurprisingly and Edward and Jacob ran into the room. I still hadn't moved and it must have looked like I was performing a particularly flexible yoga move around the arm of the chair.

"Grandad?" Nessie asked, looking at me with those annoyingly perfect, brown eyes. "What in the name of all things incandescent and squirrel-like are you doing?" She's been spending way too much time with her mother. She needs to get out with Emmett – he'll wack some four letter words into her system.

"Dad?" Edward tone was questioning also, only he refrained from adding lots of long words Emmett wouldn't approve of. Thatta boy, Eddie. Of course, in the midst of my pondering I had forgotten they were waiting for an explanation.

"I...erm...cramp..." I explained, shaking my hand lamely. Jacob raised his eyebrows. "It hurts...I'll...erm...go and put a plaster on it..." I left the living room quickly.

It was then that I found Dr Rick.

I had managed to avoid him for some time; his teeth had been hurting my corneas and the annoying trilling of the women was giving me a headache. I don't know what they found so attractive about him – apart from him being ridiculously handsome, of course. He knew absolutely nothing about Call of Duty. I would know; I asked him.

He was on the roof terrace, giving Esme a massage.

Now, as you can imagine, this set off a few alarm bells. I have to admit that my initial thought was to rip that smug smile off his face using only a blunt chainsaw and a cheese grater, although Rosalie would moan at me for ruining the roof terrace she'd decorated. I could always buy her a new BMW to make up for it...

Unfortunately I couldn't find a chainsaw, let alone a blunt one and if I wanted a cheese grater I'd have had to have gone downstairs again, which meant walking back through the living room and facing Nessie, Edward and Jacob again – something I wasn't that keen on.

Instead of resorting to physical violence which, although satisfying and efficient is immoral and erm...something else, I casually sauntered up to the giggling pair, removed my shirt and said "Fancy doing me?"

12:02 pm – I like lunch. Lunch is good. It gives me the perfect opportunity to sneak back into the living room while Nessie is eating her cheese and blood sandwiches in the kitchen and retrieve my book from behind the cushion.

12:05 pm – Have found book. Just need to – Gah!

12:08 pm – Dr Rick, Jasper, Alice, Emmet, Bella and Edward have now all entered the living room. Alice is talking about playing charades. I have sat on the book.

12:10 pm – This is awful. I have to pretend to laugh while Jasper crawls about on all fours trying in some pitiful way to represent _The Phantom of the Opera_, while I sweat away, hoping to god no one notices the spine of the book sticking out from under my buttocks.

12:13 pm – Maybe I could stuff it down my trousers...

12:14 pm – No. It would attract too much attention.

12:32 pm – I hate my life. I want to die. I cannot go on in this world any longer. I'll tell you why...

By some stroke of miracle, Bella guessed that Jasper was being _The Phantom of the Opera _and it was then her turn to go up. She was quite obviously doing _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,_ although everyone else seemed convinced she was doing _The Magnificent Seven._ I saved her from her misery by guessing correctly and jumping up in order to take her place. All was going well until Alice piped up "Carlisle, why have you got _Lust Released: The Lovers of Vienna _stuck to your bottom?"

In all the excitement of winning a round of Charades, I had forgotten about the book. It was now pressed into the shape of my bottom, the back cover sticking out of the back of my trousers, clearly displaying the blurb.

"'_...a steamy, passionate romp for all romance lovers. A good first novel..._"' Emmet read, obviously over the moon with himself.

If I had any blood, I'd have been the colour of a polar bear with nappy rash. In what I hoped was a casual manner, I unstuck the book from my backside and nonchalantly looked over the cover, as if for the first time.

"Hmmm..." I said. "Must be one of Esme's...I'll go and give it to her..." I left the room as quickly as possible.

1:02 pm – I am playing Call of Duty on the telly in the attic. I realise that this is man's natural habitat.

**A/N – Thanks for all reviews! I really appreciate them. I hope you liked this chapter. Any feedback would be great. Thanks again - Ashabagawa**


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